Morning Coffee

My Dad

I looked through a lot of photos today...some from before I was alive, some from the last few years. I look forward to going back to Chile and looking through mountains of photos and videos and audio clips. I had so many great trips with dad. He was the best at arranging small and large trips. I never knew where I was going to (some times neither did he). But I always had an amazing time. I told this to Pachy and she agreed. "How did he know of these places??" She didn't know either. He read a lot, knew a lot of people, remembered things well... He was charming with people and so he found some pretty unique spots to enjoy that way. This photo was from a park in Santiago. Pachy, Pocha and I went walking while dad read...probably the latest issue of The Economist. We would proceed back to the house for a wonderful 3 course meal, some wine, some Pisco...ahhh, the good life. Really, it's all about food, family, and good conversation in Chile. What more does a person need?

I can't help but feel a bit like I am dwelling...I just miss him so so much. There isn't anyone really who can fill that void, you know? I guess that's what makes us all so special. There isn't another person like the other. I have to remember to appreciate that in everyone I know. So, I will just end by saying that I miss you papa. You will always be special to me. I love you with all my heart.

Yea! We have our coffee table back!

Those of you who have visited in the last 6-7 weeks know we have been working on finishing the Mona Lisa. We had been down to just the black pieces for like a month! We would have broken it down and said "forget about it" if we had not done that already one or two times. So not only did we lose the use of our table, we had to cover it up to protect it from the cats. At first this was just a fabric covering...not enough. So we also lost the use of our ottoman which we flipped upside down and placed on top of the puzzle. Even though we took these measures we would find pieces down the hall, chewed up pieces under the table...we thought for sure we would be missing pieces. But look at this....done at last!!

Tick,tick,tick...

It's like a clock about to ring. It seems that it's always in the back of my head...residing in the nether regions of my thoughts. I don't know what I expect and it's a day just like any other...it's all "normal", I know this. The one year anniversary of my father's death is in 2 days. I don't look at his passing; however, with an amount of time that I have been without him. Or at least I haven't until this ONE YEAR ANNIVERSARY. For me, being without him now is the same as the moment I knew I wouldn't have him in my life anymore. It's really no different now than it was then. I guess a year is a long time but like Doug said today, "a year doesn't seem as long as it used to be". Huh. I have the great honor of knowing some open-hearted people who have lost their dad, their son, their best friend... these people have shared so much of their thoughts and feelings on this matter and the one thing everyone seems to agree upon on is that it doesn't so much get better as it gets easier to deal with. And that the missing doesn't lessen. So, this anniversary, I miss him... terribly. My mind's rolodex is flipping like mad...and it's still not really gotten to memories further than the last two years or so. I suppose time will open up and remind me of things my dad and I shared from years ago. But now, I mostly replay the last two years, the time I knew I was going to cherish. And more than the rolodexed memories, I miss him-his personality. He was the one person who could make me laugh spontaneously whenever he wanted. His character made me smile...makes me smile.

People tell me he's still around, he is seeing Twila, sharing in our lives... no matter what my beliefs are (and I would like to believe he is around) it doesn't change the selfish desire I have to want to physically have him with me. It's not enough to think he is seeing Twila...I want to see him see Twila. I want to see how he would play with her and make her laugh. I can only imagine those things now. And I do. And with this day looming, even more. The funny thing is I know exactly what he would be doing with her sometimes and can even guess, know, the things he would say. But, man, how I wish I could see those events. I stop myself when I start to go down this road but not before getting a small glimpse from my imagination to make me smile. Why I wonder does the anniversary make me want that hug from him even more? Why should it make the missing of him feel more intense? And why should the day after this anniversary seem like my mourning has to be different or over? That day more than the actual day feels like an impending doom for some reason. Strange.

I'm okay. No need to worry... I am so aware of how "normal", of how textbook my emotions and feelings are to losing my dad. It doesn't make any of it easier. This time last year I was back from seeing my dad. He was in the hospital. I was too far from him. He was dying. I was too far from him. He called me to say good bye. It was the best moment of my life with him. I felt him like an energy right next to me...very special. It was two days later Pachy would call me and tell me he died with a smile. It was this same day that I found out I was expecting Twila. It was the first day of this first commemorative year. I guess that's enough reason for me to feel the clock looming.

Sick

Blah. Man, I had not been sick in so long I'd like to say I forgot how much it sucks...but I didn't. I am however reminded at the intensity of HOW much I hate being sick. Really, this time is different because now I have Twila. The worry I felt of getting her sick has lessened a bit to a normal amount of concern. But I do wear a mask in her presence. It's good for her and Doug that I do but she can't really tell when I am smiling and that's a bummer. I think she's gotten more used to it though as have I. What a waste of a day (days) being sick is. Blah. I did go to the doctor though after the NP at one of my other doctor's offices told me I should make sure I didn't have the swine flu. Tha-anks. So, rest assured everyone-no swine flu. It's just a regular annoying virus... Or a really lousy way to lose those last few pounds from pregnancy!! HA!

My birthday

I celebrated 35...oh, hehe, I mean my 25 birthday years yesterday. I had planned on staying home, enjoying some time with Twila and hopefully getting to work on some projects. Then that night Doug was going to take me out to dinner somewhere. Exciting. So the day was nice. Did get to do some yoga, did get to work on some projects, and also spent some QT with the baby. Doug left a trail of clues to find my present in the morning...I love that! And I finally got to talk with my mom. Mom has been in Iran for the last few weeks and phone access is infrequent as is internet service. She says also that dust storms are more frequent this year (a little side note for those of you who were wondering about this years dust situation in Iran). But it was nice to chat with her. We had been talking every day for months and I really miss our daily chats. I also got to hear from both of my aunts (one in CA and one in Chile) and from some buddies who were not in town. So day felt great. Towards the afternoon however I started to feel a little down. I tried to figure out what it was... I think I just started to feel really far away from a lot of people I love. I missed my friends who lived so far, my mom, and I think I also really started to miss my dad again. I don't know why it's taken so long to make this realization but this year is full of so many firsts. Twila is full of first time this and first time that...but my life is also full of first time events without my dad. Their lives are so intertwined I suppose being that I found our about losing my dad the same day I found out about gaining my daughter. The birth and death are beautiful in the life of balance idea but it has been hard missing my dad and having so many first-time-without-dad instances. So, first birthday without my call, first birthday without "Happy birthday mi amor" or "HB amorcito". I miss him on the marked days especially. Plus, this was the big month. A year ago I was in Chile knowing I was saying good-bye. It's hard sometimes. Strangely enough Doug got dressed for dinner and was wearing one of the shirts Pachy brought him...one that used to be my dads. And, later at dinner, I overheard Jason later telling a story about when my dad had visited... But I am getting ahead of myself. So, dad's death and Twila's life are connected that way and it does feel special most times but at others the connection doesn't make it easier that my dad is not in this world anymore.

So, when I spoke with Jason later that afternoon I found out he was coming into town and asked if I was going to get to see him and Steph and he said, "Sure you are...it's your birthday right?" So then it dawned on me that I better tell him quickly that Doug was surprising me and not to ruin the surprise (it wouldn't be the first time doug's surprise would be ruined) but in waiting for the end of his story...too late! But that was cool, then I knew I was also going to see J&S. So we put Twila's first party dress on (been waiting for her to fit the dress for 3 months!) and some shoes my grandmother made, very cute, and headed to dinner. We headed into the back room and waiting there were many of my favorite people! I had no idea...and Doug would have had to sneak into my email or phone to retrieve some of their contact info. Nice. I was very surprised and very happy. The night was lovely. Good conversation, yummy food, and happy friends-what a great night. Twila spent the night being adored and sleeping on different shoulders and chests. Oh, and Stephanie made a birthday cake that was AMAZING! First of all it was soy,wheat,egg, and dairy free (a difficult and very appreciated task) and then to spruce it up she had made a greenish-blue sugar plate to set it on and chocolate disks and sugar decoration. It was fancy. It was delicious. (Really, I can't be the only mom with a baby restrictive diet-she could go into business! There's a definite market.) When I got home I felt so happy. I am lucky to know some really fun and interesting people...they all have their hearts in the right place and I feel so lucky to have them in my life. Thanks Doug for making the day so great...oh, and did I mention I got an iPhone?!!

Sweet dreams

Doug and I continue to work on the Lullaby album for Twila. Here are some tracks that are on the album. Sorry if it takes awhile to download...it was that or having to sign up for a site to listen...

Minor Threat
Rise Above
Sweet Dreams

And then we...

After a delicious lunch with Andy in D.C. we headed onto NYC. We stopped in New Jersey to fuel up on gas and to feed Twila. It was a bit stinky and New Jersey also is a full service gas only area. Does anyone know why? Doug became a bit hostile when we went through the sixth or seventh toll booth. It was a bit excessive... But we drove into the city, found parking right out front of Anna's and were glad to be there! For some reason the ride from DC felt longer than the drive up from TN. Odd. But Anna was home and she and kitty greeted us with hugs and smiles. We then went on to see Lynnea and Dawn at Enid's. We had a great time and it was fun to introduce Twila to them. Dawn was a pro with Twila. Between Dawn and Anna, Doug and I were set to enjoy our dinner leisurely like.

We spent the whole next day in Brooklyn. We started our day with a visit to Bergen Bagels (yea! first lox in like a year!!) and then headed to the Brooklyn Botanical Gardens. It was a perfect day-not to hot or cold, nice breeze...very unseasonable. Twila went from sleepy and snorey to smiley and sweet. (Incidentally, sleeping in the same room with Twila on vacation has been sweet-I never knew she was so snorey!) It was a great family day. We walked around the whole park and even got to take our first grassy rest. She seemed to like sitting under the shady tree. She was grabbing the grass, talking a lot. Doug made her a little crown of flowers. It was a perfect rest to recharge for the rest of the day. After the park we headed back to Anna's for awhile and then went to a great dinner with D, A, and L.

We headed out the next day with Lynnea to Zabar's. It was great spending time with Lynnea. We also discovered that it was very helpful to have an auntie along when taking the subway with a baby! It was really great she was there because we would have had our hands very full. Although New Yorkers are very helpful to you if you have a stroller or are holding a baby. After we picked up some picnicking treats, we headed to Central Park to eat in the Shakespeare Garden. It's sweet and quiet there, a great place for a picnic. We spent some time there before heading to Times Square to try and acquire some tickets to see the 9 to 5 musical. I don' t think Doug was as excited as D, L, or me to see that show but he was a trooper. When we got to the line to buy tickets it was a bit hot out and the line weaved in and out...it was long. We deliberated. "Ask that guy how long it'll take to get through the line", Lynnea suggested. So I asked this guy and he said that it would be at least 45minutes but that I had a baby and should ask security to go through the line. "Really?!" So I went up to security and said, "Hi, the man over there said to talk to you about the line because I have a baby..." He looked around at the ticket booths and then said, "Go ahead. Any line except 9 or 10." Whoa!! So Twila got us to the front of the line and we were also the first ones to purchase that evenings tickets so we were able to get the half price seats to the show we wanted. Pays to have a baby in the city!! Lynnea has said that from now on she's going to borrow a baby whenever she has to stand in line. HA! So there we had it, 4 tickets to the show. This also made Anna's day, or evening rather, because she had been looking forward to baby sitting that night. Some alone time with just Twila. If there is one friend I have no worries about leaving my child with I think it's gotta be Anna...she only has the best in mind for her and knows how to sooth her and make her laugh. So it was the longest Doug and I have left her alone to date and it was a fabulous evening! The show was great. It was so much fun to spend time with Lynnea and Dawn, and getting to have some time with Doug in a non-baby fashion was a reminder of my life before. We even had adult beverages!

That next morning, Doug and I woke up really early so that we could have as much time with Scotty as possible. Twila and Anna had some nice morning time with Kitty and then we were off. The drive to Denton was long...it was strange too. The landscape changed from the city, to factories, to farmland, to large stretches of not much, to areas that gave us clues we were close to the ocean. The closer we got to Denton the more it looked like a set to a film. I couldn't imagine Scotty in Denton...until we got there. Denton is close to NYC, Baltimore, and DC. So, it's close enough to cities should you need one. Denton has a population of 2400 people so I assume that by the next time we visit Scotty he will know everyone and they will know him. We are looking forward to that as I think Scotty is as well. Again, it does feel like you are in a set to a movie. While we were there we had some great food, saw where Scotty is now tattooing, (a great place-lots of collectibles, images, it was like a museum and was a perfect setting for someone so passionate about his craft) and got to meet Allison, Scotty's girlfriend. She is great. We loved meeting her-she seems honest, and kind, and funny, and she also is very much in love with Scotty. They are great together. Due to poor planning on our part we were not able to spend the night and went back to DC to pack up the last of our things and head back in the morning.

We got back to Andy's very late that night. There was no way I was leaving at 8 or earlier the next day...plus, we would have no time to say good bye and thanks to Andy since he had to work the next day. So Doug was offered the night off of work and we stayed another night. YEA! The next day Doug wanted to go to the mall-that's right, we went to the mall on our vacation. We are those people! Actually, his phone broke so we went to get it fixed but instead he bought an iPhone. (I am still jealous.) Then we headed to a bakery in DC that a friend was interested in. Steph had been watching our cats and house while we were away so we wanted to get her some special treats. DC was cute-lots of little boutiques and historical buildings. But lots of one way streets! Long story short, we ended up back at Andy's for the night. I met his friend of long time (who Twila loved) and then we were off to bed.

The trip back was uneventful. It went by easily as Doug and I had already figured out how things with a baby work on a road trip. We learned a lot on the trip but more than that had a great time seeing all our friends and enjoying some time away from home. It was the first trip that either of us really felt like we didn't miss our home after awhile. We didn't get that itch like it was time... We wonder why. I wonder if it had something to do with the pace of our vacation or maybe somehow because of Twila.

Should anyone care to see waaaay too many of the photos from the whole trip you can click here.

First family road trip

Because of the new van and a week off from work we decided to take a road trip. So it was off to D.C. to visit Andy and then we will travel onto NYC to visit friends and introduce Twila to some important people and then to Maryland to visit Scotty.

It was an 8 hour journey, went smoothly. It was pretty. Tennessee was lush and very green. Virginia was full of Pine trees and rock facings which turned into farmland and rolling hills-very pretty. Twila slept most of the way except for some brief entertainment from her stuffed animals (they were gettin' down to some music!) As you can see from the image she was a bit groggy in the afternoon. But she was either asleep or smiley-yea!! Really, she was a dream. We arrived and she was all smiles ready to be hugged by her doting uncle Andy. We then headed to a neighbor's house to watch the D.C. fireworks from the roof. We actually were able to see more than a dozen firework shows from there. Twila slept through the show...through most of dinner and the show. (I think she must have been worn out from the long drive!) In fact I heard a woman behind me say, "have you ever seen such a good baby? She's eating right over her and she just keeps sleeping...look, there's even crumbs on her." I looked down and did see two or three crumbs on her hair. Oops. Classy image, eh? Really, I was careful with a napkin and such but a mom's gotta eat. So she pretty much slept for the rest of the night and then woke up for a full day of D.C. fun.

I had not ever gotten to enjoy D.C. Since we were staying on Capitol Hill we decided to walk to "The Mall", see all the sites, and visit a few museums. Washington is much prettier than what I imagined-the city is full of parks, pretty gardens, and the public spaces are amazing! It would be nice if NY was a bit like D.C. in that the museums were free, the botanical gardens were free, everything in the mall was free and available. The botanical gardens were some of the most impressive I have seen and they were speckled with artists additions. There were small sculptures here and there-even some hidden amongst the foliage. There were garden sculptures too. The architecture was great too-not just the obvious master works but the museums were great as were the city parks. Everything seemed to blend like it had been taken into consideration when building on new sites. Twila got to see her first Warhol, Rothko, and Matisse as well as her first under water creatures. We saw this exhibit at the Museum of Natural History that was amazing-Bones and the stories they tell. It was a collection of skeletons from every walk of life and also a study of forensic science. Really nicely done... She rode on her first subway system. She had her first public changing. She was smiley when awake and seemed to observe and take a lot in. She didn't sleep as much as I thought she would. But again, Doug and I feel lucky and happy to have Twila in our lives. Andy was a great uncle today-a pro at moving around the jogger and dancing with Twila during her wake times. Oh, we had a great lunch!! Deeeelicious. I love starting vacation with a great meal!

Favorite images from today

Excerpt from a Motherwell, National Gallery of Art

Photo of a cutting board at the Eastern Market, a really great farmers market.

Nice view of the Capitol from the Botanical Gardens