I think that I am stunned. I have not been able to cry this out. I have stopped getting the bouts of crying I have been having the last few days. Yesterday I had a late lunch with two co-workers. I told them about the last night's conversation. We all were crying. "I'm so sorry" I cried to my friend seeing her start to cry.
"Nooo, I am so sorry!" She cried back. We hugged. I asked my buddy if the missing ever became less. She said that it becomes easier but it never less. That we become accustomed to not having him call on a birthday or holiday...of being in the house anymore. For me it will seem weird being in Chile without him. It will be weird being with Pachy without him. It will be strange not talking to him anymore. It will be strange not hearing him call me "Anikita" or "My darrrrling". It will be strange not talking to him about philosophy or quantum studies.
Talking to a few of my friends who have lost their mom or dad has really been heart-opening and I feel lucky to have them in my life. Their thoughts and wisdom is helpful and it does not make things easier but it does make my heart feel lighter for some reason. I am very grateful for them. Perhaps it's that I feel like my grief is really understood...or that they don't seem to look for the right things to say to me. That their "I am so sorry" is somehow reflective from their own experiences. It is never the same experience for any of us but the sharing of those experiences is what the present offers us. And yes, it does not get easier in some respects but we can chose to succumb to the awful sadness these times give us or to take something positive from it. Can it actually enhance the life experience? I don't know about that. But for me, knowing this personal part of my friends life, getting closer to them, getting closer with my Aunt, Pachy, seeing that Doug is there for me when I need him most, learning more about my dad and myself in this whole process-these are all invaluable to me now. My life is better for knowing and feeling all of these things. Today is a brand new day...tomorrow will be one too...and so on.
Sunday, July 27, 2008
Yesterday
Dad continues to use Morphine. He continues to become weaker. Pachy and I have decided to chat later about what will be later and just think about what is now. She and Nolfa will never know how much I appreciate all they do for my dad. I tell them I love them. But I wonder if they know how much I really do. The doctor decided the day before to stop giving blood. (I don't think I mentioned that in my last blog entry.) He was using the blood faster than they could inject him with more. It was time to let him go in peace if his body would let him. What modern medicine could do now is ease his travel...to ease his mind and body. To make him comfortable. Pachy told me that dad had another dream he has had a few times. It's a pretty one. He sees a vine with flowers. All of the flowers have dried up on the vine. He goes to it and sits beneath the vine. Then all of the dead flowers fall upon him. The dream seems poetic to me. It reminded me of dreams that his mother would tell me she had. Really beautiful imagery. Peaceful and poignant.
Pachy called me around 11 that morning and said that he was still asleep and could not talk but if I wanted to tell him something she could put the phone up to his ear. So she did.
I repeated much of what I told him the day prior in case he had forgotten or perhaps just wanted to hear it again. I also told him that I would let his other children know that he was a good man. I would let them know he loved them. Pachy took the phone away at this time and said "Anika, I have to take the phone away now. He is getting too active. He can hear you and his brain is responding."
"Can I just tell him one last thing?"
"Of course." She put the phone back to his ear.
"Dad? I know you can hear me. There is only one thing I want you to know. It's that I love you. I love you with all of my heart. And I will always." The phone was still to his ear but that was all I wanted to say. It was all I needed to say. And it was the last thing I hoped he would hear from me. It was. We had about 20-30 seconds of silence together after I said this. Pachy called later that day and said that he died. At 12:03 he died peacefully. She said that he died with a smile on his face. He just got more and more sleepy until he went into his final nap. He died on Pachy and my grandmother's Saints Day. (In Chile it is sometimes regarded more than a person's birthday. The 26th of July is Santa Ana.) Pachy was a bit content in this thinking that perhaps dad was now with his mother on her special day.
Pachy called me around 11 that morning and said that he was still asleep and could not talk but if I wanted to tell him something she could put the phone up to his ear. So she did.
I repeated much of what I told him the day prior in case he had forgotten or perhaps just wanted to hear it again. I also told him that I would let his other children know that he was a good man. I would let them know he loved them. Pachy took the phone away at this time and said "Anika, I have to take the phone away now. He is getting too active. He can hear you and his brain is responding."
"Can I just tell him one last thing?"
"Of course." She put the phone back to his ear.
"Dad? I know you can hear me. There is only one thing I want you to know. It's that I love you. I love you with all of my heart. And I will always." The phone was still to his ear but that was all I wanted to say. It was all I needed to say. And it was the last thing I hoped he would hear from me. It was. We had about 20-30 seconds of silence together after I said this. Pachy called later that day and said that he died. At 12:03 he died peacefully. She said that he died with a smile on his face. He just got more and more sleepy until he went into his final nap. He died on Pachy and my grandmother's Saints Day. (In Chile it is sometimes regarded more than a person's birthday. The 26th of July is Santa Ana.) Pachy was a bit content in this thinking that perhaps dad was now with his mother on her special day.
The day before yesterday
First of all, thanks again to the pals who are contacting me. You guys really keep me appreciating the right things. How lucky I am to have you special friends in my life.
I have not written in the last week because it's been a downhill slope. (And, frankly, I have been teetering between sanity, devestation, and well, feel delicate all the time. Sometimes ignoring the only thing I am wanting to think about makes me feel downright crazy. But as Buffy says, "The only thing to do (in these times) is just to keep on living".) So, this week took a turn. Dad was brought to a different clinic- A really great, modern facility. (I hear he got salmon made for him...) He had been getting worse stomach problems. It turned out that his low platelet count was releasing blood that was reacting with the acids in his stomach and causing a lot of pain...not to mention his nausea and lack of appetite. So, Dr. Undurraga called in an internal specialist to give him medication that would hopefully allow him to have an appetite and less pain. The family was also very worried that because of the blood shortage the clinic had that he would not be able to get transfusions which he was getting every other or even every day. And Nolfa was scared to donate after she saw what happened at my donation. So Pachy called everyone she knows to call everyone they know. She phoned the schools and police departments...she did a lot...as she always does.
Nolfa ended up donating her platelets which were perfect...totally compatible. (This just strengthens that she is actually my big sister.) The doctors convinced her by showing her a very updated version of the machine that was used with me. She only had to use one arm, it was quick, painless...she could do it every three days if they wanted! Dad responded well to the medicine starting the second day it was given and ate a complete meal. He said that he didn't really enjoy it but that Nolfa would not give him anymore blood if "he was going to waste it"-yea, Nolfa! That night my dad had a dream where he was in a car with a cousin of his. The cousin stopped and opened the door for him to get out. A bright light shone from outside the car and his cousin asked "would you like to get out here?"
Dad replied, "No, I don't want to get out here" and closed the door and they drove on. So, dad's driving on.
The next day (the day before yesterday) dad started experiencing a lot of pain in his gut. The pain became so strong that he was put on Morphine and was given oxygen. This seemed to help him. Pachy phoned to tell me that the doctor told her that he had three days at most to live. (He was too asleep to talk just then but she would phone me later.) Dad and she were communicating through hand movements and hand holding, beautiful really. He asked her how long he had and she told him with their hands held. He accepted that well. Ricardo, my godfather and dad's life long friend, and Pocha, Pachy's lifelong friend and good friend of the family, were there with him when she phoned me again later to let me speak with him. The moment of the call seems like one of those perfect moments to me. One strong enough that I won't forget it and solid enough that it is enjoyable to remember. It was the saddest moment of my life and one of the strangest too. Let me back up for a second...
Two of our good friends are moving away. We have had them in our lives as a staple for almost 12 years. He was the first person I met when I moved to Tennessee. His family is open, sweet, generous, and are all funny characters. Doug and he played music together and Steph and I would garden and share in crafty ideas. So, this day, the saddest afternoon I have felt to date, was the day of their farewell party. I did not want to go. It felt wrong to go. And I am sure you have all experienced the feeling of feeling bad to put people in the situation of having to tell you they are sorry, that they don't know what to say, of...well, of making them uncomfortable. I would be the same way...and I wouldn't want the person who felt bad to feel extra bad about putting me in that position either...but, just the same, it was a party and I didn't want to bum anyone out. Plus, I didn't want to shelve this moment. I wanted to remember this moment. That being said, I also did not want to regret not seeing my friends off. So, while at the party, being the sweet family the Whites are, they all asked about dad and how he was doing. There were a lot of " I'm sorry"s and "If there's anything I can do"s. They did mean it but I did feel bad about making them say it. Then Jason's mom asked me to come and look at some renovations upstairs. While up there my aunt called and I snuck away to talk outside. Pachy said dad had woken up and that he could speak now if I wanted to chat.
So, like I said, the hospital room was full with loved ones. He was sleepy. And I was outside at a party in a neighborhood I was unfamiliar with. But there were not any people out. It was like a private space for just the two of us. I was able to tell him that I loved him. I asked him if he was scared. He said that he was not. I asked him if he was in any pain. He said that he was in a little. I told him that I wanted him to know that I appreciated him; That I am a better person for having had him in my life; That I have learned a lot from him. He sounded a little surprised and very grateful...it sounded like he smiled. He said that he really loved hearing that. I told him that I loved him so much and would miss him terribly. He said he hoped I knew the same. He told me that he trusted me to continue living the life I have been- being smart and making wise decisions...that he was not worried about me. He was proud of me. We said good bye.
Doug had come out to join me a little way into our conversation. We sat together on the tailgate of my truck. We both cried and laughed for a long while. I told him I was so happy he was there with me to share in that moment. He said, "Me too... I didn't know...I just came out to ask what kind of cheese you wanted on your burger!" We laughed. Sitting there in front of an abandoned house for sale, on an unfamiliar street with overgrown grass ahead, with sounds of conversations behind us...it was so perfect. We commented on how surreal that moment felt. "I don't think I can go back in there."
"Yeah."Doug replied. "I will go back in for you. Let's go. They will understand."
"Do I look like I have been crying?" We laughed again. My eyes were swollen. His face was red. We had no tissues to wipe or blow either. So we just sat there a little longer...laughing and crying.
"Doug, I don't want to ignore this moment. I am afraid that in time I may forget it. I don't want to ever forget this moment."
"I won't ever let you forget it."
"This is the saddest moment of my life."
"I know. I'm sorry."
Just then a car pulled up. It was Jason's brother. "Hey! How y'all doin?" Doug and I looked at each other and started laughing. "We're great!" Silence. He looked a little confused and then said, "Hey, look at this book I'm giving my dad." It was a large book and on the cover in huge letters read: JOKES. Again, Doug and I laughed. Perfect moment. It felt like life was right there. Like I was being helped out. Things were going to be okay because they had to be...and that it was okay to let it be. "This is perfect Jim. Let's hear one. Give it to us!" I said. He flipped to the table of contents. "Nooo, just let the book decide." We both said. "C'mon Jim, we are ready. Page 314-let's hear it!" It was horrible- A marriage joke that Bob Hope could be proud of. It was good there was not any rotten-fruit-around-bad. We laughed. We were ready to go back in for a brief while.
Later Jason told us that he was looking out the window at us at that moment. He wanted to see if we were alright...his family was wondering. They saw us talking to Jim. "Oh, God...Jim's talking to them." Gasps. "Should we save them? Should I go out there?"
"Oh, no.... He's probably talking to them about hunting!" Little did they know... Thanks to Jim, one of the last people I thought could save us in that moment, that moment was now complete... perfect.
I have not written in the last week because it's been a downhill slope. (And, frankly, I have been teetering between sanity, devestation, and well, feel delicate all the time. Sometimes ignoring the only thing I am wanting to think about makes me feel downright crazy. But as Buffy says, "The only thing to do (in these times) is just to keep on living".) So, this week took a turn. Dad was brought to a different clinic- A really great, modern facility. (I hear he got salmon made for him...) He had been getting worse stomach problems. It turned out that his low platelet count was releasing blood that was reacting with the acids in his stomach and causing a lot of pain...not to mention his nausea and lack of appetite. So, Dr. Undurraga called in an internal specialist to give him medication that would hopefully allow him to have an appetite and less pain. The family was also very worried that because of the blood shortage the clinic had that he would not be able to get transfusions which he was getting every other or even every day. And Nolfa was scared to donate after she saw what happened at my donation. So Pachy called everyone she knows to call everyone they know. She phoned the schools and police departments...she did a lot...as she always does.
Nolfa ended up donating her platelets which were perfect...totally compatible. (This just strengthens that she is actually my big sister.) The doctors convinced her by showing her a very updated version of the machine that was used with me. She only had to use one arm, it was quick, painless...she could do it every three days if they wanted! Dad responded well to the medicine starting the second day it was given and ate a complete meal. He said that he didn't really enjoy it but that Nolfa would not give him anymore blood if "he was going to waste it"-yea, Nolfa! That night my dad had a dream where he was in a car with a cousin of his. The cousin stopped and opened the door for him to get out. A bright light shone from outside the car and his cousin asked "would you like to get out here?"
Dad replied, "No, I don't want to get out here" and closed the door and they drove on. So, dad's driving on.
The next day (the day before yesterday) dad started experiencing a lot of pain in his gut. The pain became so strong that he was put on Morphine and was given oxygen. This seemed to help him. Pachy phoned to tell me that the doctor told her that he had three days at most to live. (He was too asleep to talk just then but she would phone me later.) Dad and she were communicating through hand movements and hand holding, beautiful really. He asked her how long he had and she told him with their hands held. He accepted that well. Ricardo, my godfather and dad's life long friend, and Pocha, Pachy's lifelong friend and good friend of the family, were there with him when she phoned me again later to let me speak with him. The moment of the call seems like one of those perfect moments to me. One strong enough that I won't forget it and solid enough that it is enjoyable to remember. It was the saddest moment of my life and one of the strangest too. Let me back up for a second...
Two of our good friends are moving away. We have had them in our lives as a staple for almost 12 years. He was the first person I met when I moved to Tennessee. His family is open, sweet, generous, and are all funny characters. Doug and he played music together and Steph and I would garden and share in crafty ideas. So, this day, the saddest afternoon I have felt to date, was the day of their farewell party. I did not want to go. It felt wrong to go. And I am sure you have all experienced the feeling of feeling bad to put people in the situation of having to tell you they are sorry, that they don't know what to say, of...well, of making them uncomfortable. I would be the same way...and I wouldn't want the person who felt bad to feel extra bad about putting me in that position either...but, just the same, it was a party and I didn't want to bum anyone out. Plus, I didn't want to shelve this moment. I wanted to remember this moment. That being said, I also did not want to regret not seeing my friends off. So, while at the party, being the sweet family the Whites are, they all asked about dad and how he was doing. There were a lot of " I'm sorry"s and "If there's anything I can do"s. They did mean it but I did feel bad about making them say it. Then Jason's mom asked me to come and look at some renovations upstairs. While up there my aunt called and I snuck away to talk outside. Pachy said dad had woken up and that he could speak now if I wanted to chat.
So, like I said, the hospital room was full with loved ones. He was sleepy. And I was outside at a party in a neighborhood I was unfamiliar with. But there were not any people out. It was like a private space for just the two of us. I was able to tell him that I loved him. I asked him if he was scared. He said that he was not. I asked him if he was in any pain. He said that he was in a little. I told him that I wanted him to know that I appreciated him; That I am a better person for having had him in my life; That I have learned a lot from him. He sounded a little surprised and very grateful...it sounded like he smiled. He said that he really loved hearing that. I told him that I loved him so much and would miss him terribly. He said he hoped I knew the same. He told me that he trusted me to continue living the life I have been- being smart and making wise decisions...that he was not worried about me. He was proud of me. We said good bye.
Doug had come out to join me a little way into our conversation. We sat together on the tailgate of my truck. We both cried and laughed for a long while. I told him I was so happy he was there with me to share in that moment. He said, "Me too... I didn't know...I just came out to ask what kind of cheese you wanted on your burger!" We laughed. Sitting there in front of an abandoned house for sale, on an unfamiliar street with overgrown grass ahead, with sounds of conversations behind us...it was so perfect. We commented on how surreal that moment felt. "I don't think I can go back in there."
"Yeah."Doug replied. "I will go back in for you. Let's go. They will understand."
"Do I look like I have been crying?" We laughed again. My eyes were swollen. His face was red. We had no tissues to wipe or blow either. So we just sat there a little longer...laughing and crying.
"Doug, I don't want to ignore this moment. I am afraid that in time I may forget it. I don't want to ever forget this moment."
"I won't ever let you forget it."
"This is the saddest moment of my life."
"I know. I'm sorry."
Just then a car pulled up. It was Jason's brother. "Hey! How y'all doin?" Doug and I looked at each other and started laughing. "We're great!" Silence. He looked a little confused and then said, "Hey, look at this book I'm giving my dad." It was a large book and on the cover in huge letters read: JOKES. Again, Doug and I laughed. Perfect moment. It felt like life was right there. Like I was being helped out. Things were going to be okay because they had to be...and that it was okay to let it be. "This is perfect Jim. Let's hear one. Give it to us!" I said. He flipped to the table of contents. "Nooo, just let the book decide." We both said. "C'mon Jim, we are ready. Page 314-let's hear it!" It was horrible- A marriage joke that Bob Hope could be proud of. It was good there was not any rotten-fruit-around-bad. We laughed. We were ready to go back in for a brief while.
Later Jason told us that he was looking out the window at us at that moment. He wanted to see if we were alright...his family was wondering. They saw us talking to Jim. "Oh, God...Jim's talking to them." Gasps. "Should we save them? Should I go out there?"
"Oh, no.... He's probably talking to them about hunting!" Little did they know... Thanks to Jim, one of the last people I thought could save us in that moment, that moment was now complete... perfect.
Thursday, July 17, 2008
Update...
I spoke with Pachy last night...she said that the day was a very exhausting one but that it ended better than she thought it may. None of them slept well...and in the morning dad was very weak and was rushed to the hospital. He was given oxygen, blood, and platelets. The doctor and her assistant stayed the day with him in the blood bank along with our friends who work there, Vikki and Felipe. He was in good loving hands the whole day. They came home that night and went to sleep earlier than normal. Everyone was tired and hoped for a better night. In the morning today dad is looking at his computer in bed! He is very weak but phoned me this morning to wish me a good birthday. I told him that my birthday wish was still in his hands. Tomorrow I hope to see his levels start to go up and with it our hopes.
Doug has been the best through all this and although I don't have much energy to go out or talk to many people I feel the love. Thanks again to everyone who has written me and sent good thoughts...love you guys.
A little later I plan to post about the flight back which...well, it was one for the blogosphere for sure. I never realized I had taken off and didn't realize I had landed...it was exactly the distraction I needed and I'd love to give a shout-out to the delta flight attendants who made my departure like a nice time with friends on the back porch.
Doug has been the best through all this and although I don't have much energy to go out or talk to many people I feel the love. Thanks again to everyone who has written me and sent good thoughts...love you guys.
A little later I plan to post about the flight back which...well, it was one for the blogosphere for sure. I never realized I had taken off and didn't realize I had landed...it was exactly the distraction I needed and I'd love to give a shout-out to the delta flight attendants who made my departure like a nice time with friends on the back porch.
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
Home
Well, I am home now. It's hard. I did have a chance though to talk to my dad and ask him if he knew that I loved him. I voiced my concern that I felt like I was being a bad daughter by leaving him now. That I didn't want to abandon him if he wanted me to stay... He assured me that was not the case and that he hoped to have another opportunity to spend with me in the future where we could both be able to enjoy each others company more. He was very weak when I left. I treasure the time I spent there though. I am so glad that I got this opportunity. Seeing Nolfa and Pachy be there for him as much as they are also gave me some comfort. We have not given up yet..JPG)
Monday, July 14, 2008
I cant even think of a title
Dad just told me he's afraid. We spent another full 8 hours yesterday getting transfusions of platelets and blood. We went to the emergency part of the hospital. Let's just say I was thrilled when the doctor rushed in and had us moved to the blood bank I was once afraid of. The urgent care hospital was filthy and was more of a home for those who didn't have one. The seats were littered or broken. At least at the blood bank they know us, care for my dad with sweetness and concern, even with love. I found out that it is the blood that gives energy and the platelets which prevent bleeding. He got both yesterday. He has no energy today. Yesterday the doctor said that he would be the lowest in levels he has yet felt until Thursday or Friday...and that if we don't see any improvements then then there probably isn't much we can do.
As far as my place in all this...well, i just don't even know. I am definitely glad that I came and am here but don't know if I should stay longer than my scheduled return tomorrow. I don't feel helpful here and sometimes feel like I am in the way. But I want to support dad and yet don't know if I can do that. I don't want to see dad sleep into his last days and yet feel like I should stay until then whenever that may come. I still need to hope that this weekend will bring encouraging news but am afraid...he doesn't eat anything. He won't eat. I have no idea what to do. I have never felt more indecisive and ...i guess, at a loss for...well, I just don't even know where to place my thoughts, myself, nor my intentions.
PS. I am sooo sick of hearing about the Pitt/Jolie babies...and i'm no different...cuz, i read the article in the paper, I listened to the CNN report. 20 million for a photo...is that really where our priorities are now? Lynnea...this clearly warrants a project. Doug, this clearly warrants a song.
As far as my place in all this...well, i just don't even know. I am definitely glad that I came and am here but don't know if I should stay longer than my scheduled return tomorrow. I don't feel helpful here and sometimes feel like I am in the way. But I want to support dad and yet don't know if I can do that. I don't want to see dad sleep into his last days and yet feel like I should stay until then whenever that may come. I still need to hope that this weekend will bring encouraging news but am afraid...he doesn't eat anything. He won't eat. I have no idea what to do. I have never felt more indecisive and ...i guess, at a loss for...well, I just don't even know where to place my thoughts, myself, nor my intentions.
PS. I am sooo sick of hearing about the Pitt/Jolie babies...and i'm no different...cuz, i read the article in the paper, I listened to the CNN report. 20 million for a photo...is that really where our priorities are now? Lynnea...this clearly warrants a project. Doug, this clearly warrants a song.
Saturday, July 12, 2008
Today seems different
First of all thanks to everyone who's been writing me...you guys bring me back to a really happy place and I appreciate all of you, thanks.
Today I expected dad to wake up feeling great...I started writing about yesterday and will post it later. I feel the need to write more about whats going on now. Dad woke up weak. Seems like he was unaffected by yesterdays transfusion. This worries me extra since he was supposed to have even more energy with the fresh familiar platelets than the extra energy he usually gets from older foreign platelets...he seems to have gotten nothing from it. He gets out of breath walking half way to the bathroom or dining room. He doesn't want to eat anything. Pachy and I stayed at the dining table after lunch and talked about how today seemed different. Pachy said he had mentioned to her that he was tired of all of this, tired of fighting. He never said that to me, quite the opposite...could be different from moment to moment. He did mention feeling afraid that he didn't want to eat. Man, it sucks. I guess he felt nauseous today too. So we talked about what was going to happen after he dies one day. What will happen when she dies one day. I feel a pit in my chest. I don't have a clue. What do I do? How do I handle everything I am supposed to...I don't even know the people I have to call, what to do with all the stuff... I am at a loss. I don't even know who to go to to ask what to do, who to call... I feel unprepared and entirely alone. You know, I just keep thinking about how I love coming here. I love it here. I already miss spending time the way we did when I was here and know it will never be like that again. After thoughts like that it just dominoes into other memories, other things I will miss feeling and experiencing. I feel like I have taken time for granted. I want to come home and yet I don't ever want to leave. I want a hug.
Today I expected dad to wake up feeling great...I started writing about yesterday and will post it later. I feel the need to write more about whats going on now. Dad woke up weak. Seems like he was unaffected by yesterdays transfusion. This worries me extra since he was supposed to have even more energy with the fresh familiar platelets than the extra energy he usually gets from older foreign platelets...he seems to have gotten nothing from it. He gets out of breath walking half way to the bathroom or dining room. He doesn't want to eat anything. Pachy and I stayed at the dining table after lunch and talked about how today seemed different. Pachy said he had mentioned to her that he was tired of all of this, tired of fighting. He never said that to me, quite the opposite...could be different from moment to moment. He did mention feeling afraid that he didn't want to eat. Man, it sucks. I guess he felt nauseous today too. So we talked about what was going to happen after he dies one day. What will happen when she dies one day. I feel a pit in my chest. I don't have a clue. What do I do? How do I handle everything I am supposed to...I don't even know the people I have to call, what to do with all the stuff... I am at a loss. I don't even know who to go to to ask what to do, who to call... I feel unprepared and entirely alone. You know, I just keep thinking about how I love coming here. I love it here. I already miss spending time the way we did when I was here and know it will never be like that again. After thoughts like that it just dominoes into other memories, other things I will miss feeling and experiencing. I feel like I have taken time for granted. I want to come home and yet I don't ever want to leave. I want a hug.
A very long day
So, yesterday...god, where to begin. It had not been long since dad's last transfusion so I figured things would not be too bad. He woke up quite tired and weak-out of breath from a walk to the next room. He also didn't have much appetite. So, bummer of a morning. Plus, Nolfa gets all stressed out and a bit "Marge in Charge" and Pachy gets super active and task oriented, "Crazy Stacy". It's weird, my place in all of this. When I arrived I kind of thought it would be best to take a seat in this wherever I was asked to sit. Before arriving I decided to keep my mouth shut a little more and to not step on anyone's (Nolfa's) toes. She has been taking care of dad for so long, she knows what he needs, knows what he will accept, etc... she is amazing. I didn't want to intrude unless she wanted to take a break and have me help more. I wanted to be whatever anyone needed me to be. And i guess that's all going along fine. Although, biting my tongue is effort at times. I am learning a lot.
Pachy was going out to run a few errands so I decided to go with her and get my time out on the town while I could...plus, work off some of the food I have been indulging in. There is a smog problem here... Restrictions on vehicles are in effect and since so many people walk and bike here you see a few people with masks. The city is beautiful though-a mixture of old architecture and modern skyscrapers. All of which is surrounded my mountains capped with snow. Plus, I love how down the busy streets there is a bike path and a separate sidewalk surrounded by pretty landscaping. When the streets are more narrow there is a sidewalk and often a bike path right next to that. This photo to the left is from around the corner of the apartment. It was nice to get out and walk a bit as I have not really left the house except to go to the hospital or grocery store.
Pachy was going out to run a few errands so I decided to go with her and get my time out on the town while I could...plus, work off some of the food I have been indulging in. There is a smog problem here... Restrictions on vehicles are in effect and since so many people walk and bike here you see a few people with masks. The city is beautiful though-a mixture of old architecture and modern skyscrapers. All of which is surrounded my mountains capped with snow. Plus, I love how down the busy streets there is a bike path and a separate sidewalk surrounded by pretty landscaping. When the streets are more narrow there is a sidewalk and often a bike path right next to that. This photo to the left is from around the corner of the apartment. It was nice to get out and walk a bit as I have not really left the house except to go to the hospital or grocery store. Because dad was so weak this morning we (the doctor) decided it would be best to go to the 
hospital early and get his blood levels checked. We also booked me a platelet donation at 4pm. We arrived bundled up as it is quite cold here and the hospital has no heat in the hallways or even in some of the wards. So, frigid. We went through the hallways I spoke of before-they still had not lost there magic with me. I wanted to stop and take pictures like a mad woman...didn't. We went directly to where the doctor's staff was (she was at her clinic-a nice place, clean, modern) and were again welcomed like family. (Plus, it was nice and warm in there.) There were kisses all around, nice conversation, some laughing, then to business. Dad's levels were lowwwww. Just to give you an idea, when my blood was analyzed the other day I had a count of over 220,000 platelets. Today, dad's platelet count was 3000. 3000. So with everything arranged we headed to the pharmacy there and then went home.
hospital early and get his blood levels checked. We also booked me a platelet donation at 4pm. We arrived bundled up as it is quite cold here and the hospital has no heat in the hallways or even in some of the wards. So, frigid. We went through the hallways I spoke of before-they still had not lost there magic with me. I wanted to stop and take pictures like a mad woman...didn't. We went directly to where the doctor's staff was (she was at her clinic-a nice place, clean, modern) and were again welcomed like family. (Plus, it was nice and warm in there.) There were kisses all around, nice conversation, some laughing, then to business. Dad's levels were lowwwww. Just to give you an idea, when my blood was analyzed the other day I had a count of over 220,000 platelets. Today, dad's platelet count was 3000. 3000. So with everything arranged we headed to the pharmacy there and then went home.We then came home for some lunch before coming back for the 4 o'clock transfusion. Dad became more weak. Didn't eat much, got a few nose bleeds, laid down and slept until our departure. Then, it was off to the hospital again.
This time back to the blood bank. I held back numerous vampire jokes I have been holding in my repertoire for just such an occasion. Although, Pachy and I did indulge in a few...we thought they were hi-laaarr-i-ous! After an hour of preparations I was given the go ahead to move to a separate room in the facility- nice, private, and frigid. The doctor, Cesar ("sey-czar"), was good a very friendly. He stayed the entire two hours the transfusion was taken. So, how the procedure works is they take the blood out of one arm, then the blood goes through a machine in which the plasma, platelets, and white and red cells are separated and then the white and red cells go with some liquid (that was the temperature of ice...) back through my other arm. 
The needle in the arm where the blood returned...well, something happened. I experienced some intense pain that slowly increased. Never having given blood before I thought perhaps this was just how it was. But as the pain increased I told the doctor and nurse and they freaked out a little then decided to take the needle out. I couldn't understand really well what had happened. I figured that there was air in the tube when then gave me back my blood or perhaps it was set too far into my arm. I couldn't really understand their fast Spanish. Later my aunt was telling dad what had happened and she said they had said the needle or tube was broken...yeaaa!!!! I still don't think that was the case though. So, then they tied off my arm lower and put the needle in a few inches above my wrist. Again, with the pain. I looked down and there was a swollen bubble about 3 inches in diameter above the needle. "Ummm, I a am having a little pain again...and is this swelling normal?" It could be that the temperature of the liquid is was so cold it was stinging me. All normal. So, I have decided-not a big fan of the whole platelet donation. I shivered so hard my body was convulsing, got a skin allergy to the tape used to hold the needle down, and my arm was so sore after that I could not use it nor lay any fabric on it. But, all worth it really.
The big picture was not lost on me. Later-on, Cesar said that I handled it well and that many times people's faces swell up worse, there mouth becomes extremely dry, there is discoloration, and severe convulsions. So this was great. But, after the two hours I had given enough to give dad 8 bags of platelets! 8 bags is great and this was extra concentrated. It was all very interesting really and the doctor and nurses were very open to informing and showing us everything each step...it was cool.
The needle in the arm where the blood returned...well, something happened. I experienced some intense pain that slowly increased. Never having given blood before I thought perhaps this was just how it was. But as the pain increased I told the doctor and nurse and they freaked out a little then decided to take the needle out. I couldn't understand really well what had happened. I figured that there was air in the tube when then gave me back my blood or perhaps it was set too far into my arm. I couldn't really understand their fast Spanish. Later my aunt was telling dad what had happened and she said they had said the needle or tube was broken...yeaaa!!!! I still don't think that was the case though. So, then they tied off my arm lower and put the needle in a few inches above my wrist. Again, with the pain. I looked down and there was a swollen bubble about 3 inches in diameter above the needle. "Ummm, I a am having a little pain again...and is this swelling normal?" It could be that the temperature of the liquid is was so cold it was stinging me. All normal. So, I have decided-not a big fan of the whole platelet donation. I shivered so hard my body was convulsing, got a skin allergy to the tape used to hold the needle down, and my arm was so sore after that I could not use it nor lay any fabric on it. But, all worth it really.
The big picture was not lost on me. Later-on, Cesar said that I handled it well and that many times people's faces swell up worse, there mouth becomes extremely dry, there is discoloration, and severe convulsions. So this was great. But, after the two hours I had given enough to give dad 8 bags of platelets! 8 bags is great and this was extra concentrated. It was all very interesting really and the doctor and nurses were very open to informing and showing us everything each step...it was cool. So we waited another 2 hours for the blood to be mixed properly and then around 9:30 pm dad began his 3 hour transfusion. I kept thinking it was like we were in some weird novel or an episode of the Twilight Zone. We were the only patients there (even though they are open 24 hours a day) and the staff works 24 hour shifts so some were extra tired, some extra funny. Pachy would be knitting one second and then a song would come on and she'd hop up suddenly and lip sync the song to a nice little dance.
We spoke about really random things ranging from things seen on tv to politics, crossword puzzles, hangman, shoes, hair, and blood...and of course food. We got some interesting tales about people who come into the blood bank, the goings on of working a 24 hour shift, learned about some of the hospital surrounds (like the hundred year old Camellia trees outside the window, spectacular). And dad seemed to perk up. His toes even started tapping to the great radio station we listened to. It's hard to tell if dad was tired because of his condition or because it was almost 1 in the morning but when we got up to leave he started to walk away without his cane.
We spoke about really random things ranging from things seen on tv to politics, crossword puzzles, hangman, shoes, hair, and blood...and of course food. We got some interesting tales about people who come into the blood bank, the goings on of working a 24 hour shift, learned about some of the hospital surrounds (like the hundred year old Camellia trees outside the window, spectacular). And dad seemed to perk up. His toes even started tapping to the great radio station we listened to. It's hard to tell if dad was tired because of his condition or because it was almost 1 in the morning but when we got up to leave he started to walk away without his cane. After getting/giving kisses again we left for home. It was dark through the hospital now. Fluorescent bulbs flickered and buzzed from the tall ceilings and our footsteps echoed throughout the hallways. We turned one corner and a man pushing a patient on a gurney was seen in the distance. As he approached us the squeaking of the wheels made a nice a creepy vibe even more cinematic. If I was along I don't know if I would have been super excited to take photos or get a major anxiety attack. Pachy drove us home like a mad women and then we had some Pisco sours before going to bed. It was a very long day.
Thursday, July 10, 2008
Roller coaster continues
Not as good today. Had a difficult morning swallowing pills... How frustrating it must be for dad. More than two years of good then bad, worse then better, blood and bones, bones and blood...waiting. AAAAAAAAAA!!!
He is calm now, sleeping next to me while I type into the blog. Nolfa seems a bit crazed today but she is also on the roller coaster sitting even closer to the front. They don't seem to feel hope as quickly as I do, they must be used to this feeling and must be tired of feeling the disappointment that sometimes follows. But sometimes it does seem like she may have had enough. I think dad is afraid of that too. Hopefully it's not the case. Without Nolfa life would be even harder for my dad and Pachy.
He ate a bit of lunch...we'll see what the day brings. I think we have moved up my platelet donation to tomorrow morning. Again, we will see what we will see.
He is calm now, sleeping next to me while I type into the blog. Nolfa seems a bit crazed today but she is also on the roller coaster sitting even closer to the front. They don't seem to feel hope as quickly as I do, they must be used to this feeling and must be tired of feeling the disappointment that sometimes follows. But sometimes it does seem like she may have had enough. I think dad is afraid of that too. Hopefully it's not the case. Without Nolfa life would be even harder for my dad and Pachy.
He ate a bit of lunch...we'll see what the day brings. I think we have moved up my platelet donation to tomorrow morning. Again, we will see what we will see.
A new day a new dad
Today dad woke up a new man. I sat and spoke with him a bit before he got out of bed. He said, "You know...if I felt like this when you arrived I would have come to the airport. Yesterday...yesterday I thought...I may not see the... Today I feel like I could see the next presidential elections in the states." Hopeful speaking is good. I need it too. Today was a good day. He didn't go to bed once! He took a nap in the living room (a normal activity for everyone here) and we played mancala...he beat me! He learned a new program on the computer. He wrote and edited a book he is writing about his life. And he ate a bit at every meal. We were all happy to see it. The doctor came over in the night and decided to wait for me to give him blood. Many of his sores were looking better and not many new ones had appeared. Fingers are crossed for more days like this one. Oh, and 2 episodes of season 5 Jack Bauer to top it off...perfect.
Same day but evening
We left the hospital that evening. We spent the whole day nurturing dad like a vampire in heaven. He decided that he wanted to support the new blood and energy he felt by eating. Good, because the 4 days prior he has not really eaten anything to speak of. So he still felt no hunger and could not taste food but decided to give his body the present of food. His desire to improve was great to witness. "Let's go to Chinese" he said. Like a song in my ears!! I gotta say, one of my most favorite things in my life for as long as I can think back and into the present is eating with my dad. It's fun, exciting-i love the food we enjoy together, our conversations we have while eating, the jokes...I feel the love. Maybe that is why I enjoy eating and going to eat so much. I remember my mom telling me that she loved photos of people eating because you could really see the true personality of someone when they were eating. So "lets go to Chinese" was the best thing I could have heard. "Really??!?!" "Not to the Danubio de Azul??" "Siiiii..." my aunt replied. Oh, man, this Chinese restaurant could be the best Chinese food I had ever eaten. Better than San Francisco's China Town! Ok, enough... Between the goal he had just made to eat and getting to go and eat chinese food...well, this was worth the ticket! So we went home, dropped our belongings off, and then went to eat. It was fabulous! Dad was still weak but i guess sitting there with him and seeing him eat gave me a much needed sense of hope. (Hence the roller coaster). We ate, drank some delicious Pisco Sours, Pachy got drunk (another thing I love), and I drove us home. Memorable night.
To the hospital
Dad woke up this morning in bad shape...or I guess he really never go t to sleep much...anyways, it was a horrible morning. Blood would not stop running out of his nose, he was very pale and weak...he was directed not to even walk to the bathroom because it would encourage more blood to flow. So of course, he went to the bathroom in the morning. Longer story shorter, we loaded him into a wheel chair and went to the hospital.
The hospital is a juxtaposition in many ways. Where do I start? Umm, I guess I would first like to mention that Chile is a very modern city and even in some respects ahead of the rest of the world...it's filled with skyscrapers, movers and shakers, world class cuisine, high fashion...i could go on. The hospital... Well, it was built in the 1800s. And in its day was probably one of the prettiest buildings I would ever see (and it still is one of the prettiest I have seen). But, I don't think there have been too many updates since at least 1950. The building is full of character and snippets into its past-checkered marble floors, tall doorways and shutters, pillars, ornate gardens interwoven through the property with mile high pine trees and 30 foot Camellia trees...but it is also the best location I have ever seen for a scary movie to be filmed. In fact, where is Hollywood?! Paint flakes from the walls, holes in the ceiling make the guts of the building visible. I can get past a lot of this...even in a HOSPITAL! In the US this place would be shut down without question. Lots of infractions... I asked why the government or the city would not pay to paint or fix some things...why have the doctors not demanded that. There are other more modern hospitals around but this one is the best...so??? The answers to me ranged from "too expensive" to "who's gonna do it? people are lazy." to the best one "they can not shut down the building to do the repairs...it would be too much time without the facility". But in that case, why not do a little at a time? I don't know. But the public restrooms (to which I tried 3) had no soap, or no paper towels, and some were out of toilet paper the entire day. How were people supposed to wash hands...in the hospital?!? That would be an east fix-buy soap. They were clean so someone had attended to them multiple times that day...add soap. So, I calmed myself down for dad and told myself that the best hematologist would not be working in a hospital if it were not able to be the best with her... And there were rooms of modernity scattered through each ward. But then we entered the blood bank. I was scared. I have been ingrained in certain sanitary practices-through my grandmother, my mother, my experience in restaurants...germs are not cool with me. So, in the blood bank nobody uses gloves. Let me repeat-in the blood bank, nobody uses gloves!!! Dad and Nolfa said that when they brought that up with the doctor in the past she says that for what they do it is not necessary. Okaaaayyyy... So I am waiting for dad to get hooked up for the day and looking around at all the nice ladies and one sneezes. Covers her mouth with both her hands and then...wait for it...wipes her hands on her smock and goes on with her duties!!! I wanted to run. So, lessons in faith...Faith I have, staph infection I don't and don't ever want it either. But I digress...
We were there all day. Dad got 8 bags of platelets and 2 bags of blood. He was talking by the end of the day and had better color in his eyes even. His tongue coated itself black and sores began to heal...so amazing that one could see the transformations happening. He also stopped oozing blood upon the first bag of blood. He finally was able to sleep and did so most of the day. 
Nolfa stayed by his side all day and I think dad and I were able to have a conversation for the first time since i arrived...not a long one but one in which I could tell he was really with me. I met with the doctor's staff in another wing of the hospital. Pachy introduced me and everyone stood up and rushed over to 
meet me. "I love your father" one woman told me in English. Kisses all around...very welcoming. They took the time to chat a bit with me before we left for lunch. Pachy and I grabbed some food at the lunch restaurant there (delicious as always) and took it to one of the parks in the hospital to eat. The grounds need some youth to keep it up. I am not sure why the city doesn't give internships or something to some students studying landscaping...anyways I could go on. Beauty is seen as skin deep around the hospital (and in). I loved it though...I could spend an entire day taking photos...lots of character. After lunch and seeing dad again, I had my blood tested for compatibility and then gave blood to be analyzed to see if I could donate to dad. It's good I am here so I can give some fresh platelets-the best kind. I may even be able to donate blood and platelets while here. But we will hold out until the last moment dad needs them. We are all still anxious to see what happens after the 10 days post his medicine... and we are all still hopeful in him and in his blood.
Nolfa stayed by his side all day and I think dad and I were able to have a conversation for the first time since i arrived...not a long one but one in which I could tell he was really with me. I met with the doctor's staff in another wing of the hospital. Pachy introduced me and everyone stood up and rushed over to 
meet me. "I love your father" one woman told me in English. Kisses all around...very welcoming. They took the time to chat a bit with me before we left for lunch. Pachy and I grabbed some food at the lunch restaurant there (delicious as always) and took it to one of the parks in the hospital to eat. The grounds need some youth to keep it up. I am not sure why the city doesn't give internships or something to some students studying landscaping...anyways I could go on. Beauty is seen as skin deep around the hospital (and in). I loved it though...I could spend an entire day taking photos...lots of character. After lunch and seeing dad again, I had my blood tested for compatibility and then gave blood to be analyzed to see if I could donate to dad. It's good I am here so I can give some fresh platelets-the best kind. I may even be able to donate blood and platelets while here. But we will hold out until the last moment dad needs them. We are all still anxious to see what happens after the 10 days post his medicine... and we are all still hopeful in him and in his blood. Wednesday, July 09, 2008
Dad
I went to see dad as soon as we arrived. He looked thin, old, weak, not well. His low platelet count made sores appear spontaneously around his face and body. The blood then found its way out of his body and through those wounds. He was coughing up blood at the slightest movement. Sores formed in his mouth to release even more blood. It made me think of the plague...how can one relax if he is spitting up blood every minute? The other bad thing-no desire to eat. How is one supposed to fend this off and become strong without food? You can't. It's impossible. He spoke very little. I stayed out of the way as Nolfa (who is now known as my sister...or my older sister) is quick, helpful, and used to knowing what to do and what my dad needs and even more important what he will allow. You know, it's strange...through all his weakness he is still a very strong personality. He is the same.
The night was bad. Every time there was coughing my aunt and I were by his side. Ready with a bag to spit chunks of coagulated blood, ready to swab his bloody nose if necessary. All night he was coughing blood. All night he was in discomfort. How would he get better I wondered. How horrible that if these really were his last moments...ughh. The next day he would be getting more platelets and blood and that would hopefully assist him and make him strong enough to last through the last days of the medicine. (With Vidaza, the two weeks post administration are the lowest level days...after that Vidaza is supposed to make the levels spike and rise) He just needed to hold through until then...
I missed him already.
The night was bad. Every time there was coughing my aunt and I were by his side. Ready with a bag to spit chunks of coagulated blood, ready to swab his bloody nose if necessary. All night he was coughing blood. All night he was in discomfort. How would he get better I wondered. How horrible that if these really were his last moments...ughh. The next day he would be getting more platelets and blood and that would hopefully assist him and make him strong enough to last through the last days of the medicine. (With Vidaza, the two weeks post administration are the lowest level days...after that Vidaza is supposed to make the levels spike and rise) He just needed to hold through until then...
I missed him already.
Another ride on the roller coaster
It has been two years since the last time I came to visit my dad. The last time I saw him was a little over a year ago when he and Pachy came to visit me in TN. A few days ago I made a very last minute decision to go and see him. Dad has started another round of Vidaza which usually drops his blood counts in almost every respect. But this time he has needed many more blood and platelet transfusions than normal. What alarmed me the most was my aunt saying that I should come for a visit...and as soon as possible. She is usually the one that thinks things are the best until the absolute last moment when she has to accept that things are not so. Because of that, I departed quite nervously. One day after our conversation I left to see them in Chile.
As far as the actual trip is concerned, this one felt quick. Perhaps because I had an empty seat next to me on every section of the trip. It was $3000.00 cheaper to drive to Nashville and take a plane to Atlanta to take another plane to Santiago. So, 3 grand for an extra 6 hours or so... Luckily, Doug is very sweet and said he could drive me without problem and we should go extra early to eat lunch at our favorite restaurant in Nashville, Noshville. I was ready the night before having stayed up until I had completed all my tasks for the trip...I still find it amazing how little stress I felt about going. I guess going for a shorter time...or perhaps being on auto pilot helped. I had to get a few items but all in all, I was ready. I think it also gave me peace of mind that my work is so supportive. This could be the first time I have not felt any guilt in going. The ladies all have their priorities in check and I felt nothing but support...I love it there. So, off to Noshville. We ate a lovely meal and then arrived at the airport 4 hours early. Lots of smooches later I left for the terminal. I went to double check my seat which paid off because the man at the counter hurriedly told me he was moving me to an earlier flight so I could make it to Atlanta. The flight before me was over two hours late because of a storm in Atlanta and it would be at least another two hours before it departed. Great really...I would have more time to find my terminal in Atlanta and relax with some drinks/sleep aids beforehand.
The flight to Atlanta was the bumpiest flight I have ever experienced. 
At one point, the plane dropped like 8 feet in altitude suddenly... a few people screamed aloud. I believe a few curse words may have escaped from me as well. After the freak-out, I looked out the window and saw a bolt of lightning through the storm we just exited from...very pretty...pretty and frightening.
At one point, the plane dropped like 8 feet in altitude suddenly... a few people screamed aloud. I believe a few curse words may have escaped from me as well. After the freak-out, I looked out the window and saw a bolt of lightning through the storm we just exited from...very pretty...pretty and frightening. I arrived in Atlanta and found the terminal quite quickly. I had four hours or so to spare so I sat down in a "Mexican" restaurant and had some really great Margaritas and some really horrible service- "Service Without A Smile" was their motto I think...rare experience for an airport bar-usually a great place for conversation and laughing. I made some calls and chatted with Anna almost 2 hours! I think it made me feel a little more relaxed catching up with her and laughing a bit.
When I boarded the plane, it looked like there were going to be some empty seats...I scored BIG time! I took the middle three seats and claimed it my sanctuary, my sleepy time sanctuary. Man, best sleep I have ever had on a plane-three seats, three pillows. Luxury. So I arrived in Chile to a not so harsh winter. I held back some tears upon seeing my aunt and then left for the house. I guess that I felt a little weird-every time I go to the airport less and less people are able to make it to the welcoming at the airport. First my grandfather, then my grandmother...now my dad. He's always the most animated- taking photos, lots of hugs, questions and jokes...all of that was missed by me and very noticeable. But my aunt is a bundle of positivity and energy so I enjoyed my drive home with her nonetheless. I am glad I came.
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